Top 5: Shittest Motorcycling Accessories

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Black/Opaque Windscreens


Taller, more protective aftermarket screens I understand, but those jet-black things you sometimes see make absolutely no sense at all. Why would anyone of sound mind choose to obscure their vision of the road ahead by putting one of these idiotic parts on their bike; well I suppose the answer is in the question, isn’t it… you’re obviously not of sound mind if you choose to do such a thing. I don’t even know why they exist. Whose idea was it? And if you think it looks good, you must be a bit stupid. Or a bit blind. Or stupid and blind. Ok, I know that when you’re riding through town, sat bolt upright as though you’ve got a screwdriver up your arse, you’ll probably be able to see more than enough of the road over the top of your stupid black screen, but if you ever decide to ride your bike properly – the faster you go, the lower your head will get and the shitter your vision will be. In what warped reality would that make any sense at all? If you’ve got one on your bike, take it off. If you’re thinking of getting one, give your head a bang.


Tiny, Shaky Bar-End Mirrors. 


This is just a shit modification for the sake of it. As standard, some bikes have got half decent mirrors, others have got crap ones, but not many are as crap as the cheap and nasty bar-end mounted jobbies that you see on way too many modified bikes. Not only are they generally way too small to actually see anything in, if by some stroke of amazing good fortune you do manage to discern what’s going on behind you for a split second, that’s all you are going to get, as the reflected image vibrates and shakes to the tune of your engine revs. Horrible. And that’s not all; have you ever tried to put a bike in a van with those bar-end abominations, or squeeze one up your back passage – it’s a right pain in the arse (if you’ll pardon the pun). And I’ll tell you what else is a pain in the arse, when the shit fixing comes loose and your daft little mirrors start spinning round the end of your handlebar. And what do you do when that happens? Have you got a 5mm allen key with you? Have you fuck – so you’re not getting it off, and you’re certainly not tightening it up. You’ll just have to deal with it; but it serves you right.



Obnoxiously Loud Exhaust Pipes 


I like to hear the sound of my bike as much as the next man – whether it’s a thumping V-twin growling away, or a screaming inline four on-song, there’s nothing better. And the piss-poor exhaust systems that come on modern bikes, all clogged up with catalytic converters, controlled by valves and deadened by end cans that look like something that ought to be slung under the wing of an A380, simply aren’t good enough; so I can understand the need for aftermarket cans. But why people need to go stupid, I just don’t know. Is there something wrong with their hearing? If there isn’t, there will be soon, unless they ditch their million decibel, stubby little straight-throughs. I once saw a bloke park a bike up sporting an example of the aforementioned ear-splitting end can, who took his lid off only to remove his earplugs… fucking earplugs! Just get a quieter can you prick; do you think everyone in a 50 mile radius wants to hear your piece of shit Gixxer? Anyone with two braincells to rub together would surely find anything over about 107dB really fucking annoying, whether they are riding it or not – which leads me to one conclusion – that the louder your exhaust pipes are, the fewer braincells you’ve probably got.


Brake/Clutch Lever Guards


Once upon a time, on a GP circuit far, far away, there was a first corner crash where someone’s bar-end caught someone else brake lever and all hell broke loose. One feller got catapulted over his handlebars and he and a handful of his mates ended up seeing stars in the gravel. Now, whenever you go racing you have to run a guard on the end of your bar to stop anyone inadvertently jabbing your front brakes on. The instances of such an occurrence are so few and far between that I can’t find one bike racer who thinks these bolt-on parts are necessary and most, including myself, just think they are a waste of time and money. But rules is rules, and all that, and the scrutineers want to see them, so you’ve got to run them. But that’s on the track, when you’re racing, so the idea that a brake lever guard is going to offer any sort of additional safety to your road bike is nothing short of comical. And don’t get me started on clutch lever guards… what sort of a moron would fit one of these to his (or her) bike? What are you scared of, someone pulling your clutch for a split second and the sudden rise in revs making you jump? Get a grip.


Furry Helmet Ears/Mohawks


If this is you, then I’m sorry, we can’t be friends. Thankfully, these monstrosities seem to have fallen out of fashion in recent years, but every now and again you’ll see someone sporting orange furry animal ears, or a green Keith Flint style mohawk stuck to the top of their helmet. It’s quite often a woman or a child but that is absolutely no excuse. Are they doing it to let us all know that they’ve got a sense of humour? I hope not, because it’s not funny. Maybe they are trying to show off their individuality. Good one, you are just as individual as every other twat that decorates their helmet with the most retarded thing that they can find on eBay – i.e. not very. Pop your stupid helmet on and take a good long look in the mirror. If you still think you look the bee’s knees, then I think we can all agree that motorcycling, of any description, isn’t for you. Why not take up yoghurt arranging, or something that requires a little bit less decorum. Weirdo.



5 Responses

  1. Have you got a 5mm allen key with you? have you fuck – Haha brilliant. Loving the new website guys, keep up the good work.

  2. Someone’s got pmt. I see your views have matured over the years and so have many too. Perhaps a frustrated person who sees themselves as getting older and more self opinionated. I think quite a lot of people went through phases of the above. To an extent me included. Some not all. I remember wearing the brightest of loosely fitting pants at a quad meeting in the early nineties with the ludicrous colours of Illuminous green orange and yellow.

    Perhaps with your rant we should ask the manufacturers to limit the bikes to 70 mph for the road. Yes it’s a ridiculous thought. Just as ridiculous as the rant that each bike owner in respect must not individualise themselves or their bikes.

    Each to their own.

  3. I agree with the brake guard being partly pointless for how many times it’s been needed, kneejerk reaction is risk-averse. Unfortunately MSV announced all trackday users must have them fitted now to access tracks! So the risk-averse action from racing has ended up reaching us mere mortals too. I trust people will take them off when not on a trackday though…..

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