It’s great knocking around with like-minded people, isn’t it? But don’t forget, there are weirdos in all walks of life and the motorcycle world... Top 5 – People to avoid at a bike café


It’s great knocking around with like-minded people, isn’t it? But don’t forget, there are weirdos in all walks of life and the motorcycle world is no exception. To help keep you safe from the bonkers and the boring, we’ve compiled a list of the top five people to avoid at your local bike café . Good luck.


The ‘Marc Marquez’

Ten years ago, this bloke would have been dressed up as Valentino, but now there’s a new king in town. He’s ditched his Gauloises Yamaha Dainese one-piece and matching R1, and traded the job lot in for a Repsol Fireblade with all the trimmings. There’s one at every biker café, BSB round and dogging spot from Land’s End to John o’ Groats. And although The ‘Marc’ might seem harmless enough at first, after a couple of minutes of conversation with him it’ll become abundantly clear as to why he is so desperate to be somebody else; anyone but himself.

You see, he’s spent so much of his life worrying about what he looks like that he has completely forgotten to actually have a life. Consequently he has absolutely nothing interesting or entertaining to add to any conversation about anything at all. But that won’t stop him trying. He’ll squeak around in his Alpinestars and bore you to tears with tedious anecdotes that are probably made up anyway. The best way to avoid getting stuck in a mind numbingly boring conversation with one of these MotoGP fanboys is to avoid them like the plague, at all costs.


The Gobby Biker Slag

You’ll hear her a long time before you see her, but fear not; you won’t be missing anything. ‘The Gobby Biker Slag’ is rarely anything to write home about. Think 15 stone, squeezed into an ill-fitting set of textiles and a face that even a mother would struggle to love, and you’d be on the right lines. She’s convinced she’s ‘one of the lads’ just because she thinks nothing of farting in public. And to make up for her lack of intelligence and a varied vocabulary, shoe-horns swearwords into every sentence she shouts. She tells everyone that she does all her own maintenance, but her ex-convict (violent crimes) fiancé (there’s no wedding planned) doesn’t let her touch a spanner since she topped her Honda Hornet’s front brake reservoir up with two-stroke oil.

If you’re unlucky enough to find yourself in a one-sided conversation with The GBS, expect to have to deal with blatant and crude innuendos (you might find a bit of sick comes up), and lies about how fast she can ride; lies that only somebody as brain-dead as her would believe. Remember the golden rule; if she’s fat, ugly, covered in cheap tattoos and on a really shit bike, stay clear. It’s best to give The GBS a wide birth.

The Washed-Up Racer.

You’ll spot this prick a mile off. In his 20s, he’ll be in an old one-piece race suit with more scuffs on it then Prince Philip’s Landy, and an Arai logo on the chest from when the local bike shop let him have an RX-7 at trade price. He’ll usually have a couple of hangers on that think he is a minor celebrity. He’s not, but that only goes to massage his already over inflated ego. You’ll rarely hear him talk about anything or anyone other than himself; much to the delight of tweedle-dum and tweedle-dee at his side.

Anything you’ve done, he’s done one better, if your cat’s black, his is blacker; if you’ve got an elephant, he’s got a box to put the bastard in. Except for the fact that he doesn’t have any of that stuff. He doesn’t really have anything and still lives at home with his parents. He’s only at the bike café because he’s nipped out on his old man’s bike. And he can’t stay long because if dad finds out he’ll take his Xbox off him for a week. Don’t get suckered into a conversation with this irritating little turd, you’ll live to regret it.

The Custom Bike C**t

He’ll turn up on a bike that turns heads and makes more noise than it ought to, but that can’t be held against him; everyone’s different after all. Genuine interest and curiosity are likely to lure you in for a closer look at this chap’s bizarre looking bike. The braver ones amongst you might even engage The CBC in conversation. Some will ask if he’s built the project himself or simply bought it as it is… big mistake. Even though you didn’t ask, he’ll proceed to spout a well-rehearsed monologue about his ‘influences’ when building the thing. That’ll quickly turn into a passive aggressive rant about how soulless sportsbikes and the people that ride them are.

If you haven’t punched him in the face by now, he’ll be reaching into the pocket of his oil stained jeans for his ten year old iPhone, on which it will take two or three minutes of scrolling to find some grainy, badly lit images of the bike at various states of its build in a workshop that looks like the Boko Haram have been using it for target practice. Don’t let curiosity get the better of you, if someone turns up on a weird bike, it’s probably because they are weird.

The Copper

These are people that ought to be avoided in all walks of life. But even more so when you’re at the bike café, with your tinted visor and ‘not for highway use’ can. And don’t be fooled by his “I’m one of the good ones” routine, because he’s full of shit; there aren’t any good ones. Just because he’s off-duty, don’t think for a second that he isn’t eyeing up the tread depths on your R11s. Don’t think he’s not earwigging your conversations about which roads you can get away with opening your bikes up on.

He’ll look down his nose with an arrogant smirk at everyone in the vicinity, whether they’re law abiding or not. Constantly waiting for an opportunity to tell people about his special police motorcycle training. “Anyone can ride fast, but I’ve been specially trained to ride fast, ‘safely’.” This total bellend can single-handedly clear a whole bike café with one of his stupid, self-righteous smiles. Our advice is to get your lid on and do one as soon as you see this arsehole arrive; before he has chance to get his stupid little notebook out of his stupid little pocket.

Boothy

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Northern
Northern
3 months ago

Don’t forget the HA PRICKS.yeah them ones who think they own the road , think they can dictate what leather cut and patch you can wear , the same ones who think it’s there right to rip one of someone’s back cause there kings of the road .Yeah and the ones who intimidate women riders as much as the male riders .these are are the pricks that shouldn’t be on the road

Ash
Ash
3 months ago

Some of the fucking wet wipes in the comments make my day haha.
Every single one of the ‘ones to avoid’, I had local bikers popping into my head that fit the bill !

Dan Jackson
Dan Jackson
3 months ago

You missed one pal, the judgmental prick, stick to bikes or your own personal journy, you do that very well.

Brian
Brian
3 months ago

And which one are you boothy? All?

Terry
3 months ago

Oh so true! I’ve met all 5 types which is why I generally ride alone now that my brother has passed away.

D.Rossi
D.Rossi
3 months ago
Reply to  Terry

RIP to your brother

Tooly
Tooly
3 months ago

Shit there’s some bile coming up in the comments 🤔 anyhoos I’m putting this comedy rant down to the the little 125 braking it’s front wheel at weekend
( I think it’s the larger chaps weight 😆)
Keep up the good work Boothy 🤡

Dave
Dave
3 months ago

Love it Boothy, great writing, gonzo feel.

No place place for the hipster telling you about how he ‘modded’ his bike by buying only aesthetic items and bolting them on? No actual difficult upgrades that would add any performance, just stuff that inevitably makes the bike look like a dogs dinner.

Loving how you write. Keep up the good work.

W K
W K
3 months ago

Nice one boothy!

Reophonic
Reophonic
3 months ago

This article is a bit like when ratner made his prawn sandwich speech! Life would be boring if we were all the same!

A Hatcher
A Hatcher
3 months ago

Price Phillips Landy is on point well done sir!

EUAN CLAYTON
EUAN CLAYTON
3 months ago
Reply to  A Hatcher

Prince Philip’s Fiat Uno would have been better though.

David Goodier
David Goodier
3 months ago

A bit soon for Prince Phillip jokes
(Not)

EUAN CLAYTON
EUAN CLAYTON
3 months ago
Reply to  David Goodier

nope!

Max Headroom
3 months ago

Yawn… that 5 mins I’ll never get back

B Cressy
B Cressy
3 months ago
Reply to  Max Headroom

Wrong place for that.. fuck off you don’t like it.. I had a chuckle..

Paul burns
Paul burns
3 months ago
Reply to  Max Headroom

😂😂 aww what one are you then….. 😂

Cornish_joe
Cornish_joe
3 months ago

Which category do you fall into boothy? 😂

Steve Timms
Steve Timms
3 months ago

Washed-up Racer hey? Sounds familiar 😜

Dave
Dave
3 months ago

This has brightened my day, in my experience its when the ‘Marc Marquez’ turns up at the trackday, in the advanced group, and is hell bent on overtaking you becasue you’re on a track bike (so he is clearly quicker). In most cases nature takes its course and before the end of the first session you will find him in the gravel, or on his arse on the grass. Stangely these ‘Marc Marquez’ characters are always from the Mansfield and Chesterfield area..

SIMON TOBIAS
SIMON TOBIAS
3 months ago

Excellent article and some of the reasons I avoid biker biker cafe’s .

Chris Instone
Chris Instone
3 months ago

This isn’t an article, it’s a rant 😉😁🤣.

Gareth Roberts
Gareth Roberts
3 months ago

And that’s why Bike cafes are to be avoided at all costs.

Ben wood
Ben wood
3 months ago

Bloody funny 😆

Seb
Seb
3 months ago

Ahaha this made me smile on another shitty rainy England afternoon

Carlos
3 months ago

theres the GSA rider who’s got every gadget going and turns up at the smallest meet in full safari out fit and has never been further than Loomies, its like having a Land Rover with the air intake snorkel and they live in Winchester, and yes I have a GSA lol

Timo
Timo
3 months ago

Love to be one of the people in the stock photos for this story 😀

Michael Glisson
Michael Glisson
3 months ago

Number 7

I’ll going to talk at you for a while.

This one approaches you and asks how you are, it’s an empty question as before you’ve answered him he will talk at you about his bike and how wonderful the other 7 bikes are in his double garage. Of course he would have more but he lost a load of money whilst getting divorced. Be rude to these people and they will soon bugger off !

Another pukka article, cheers Boothy

Rob Anderson
Rob Anderson
3 months ago

Did you get out the wrong side of the bed today Boothy? All valid points mind!

Robbo
Robbo
3 months ago

I was scared I would be in there as a 50 year old born again biker….

Man and tools
Man and tools
3 months ago

Number 6.
The retired racer that’s now a reporter/blogger.

They thought they were fast but didnt get big sponsors to get free stuff, they now have their own blog and report on products so they get it free, usually followed by the young or pretentious…. up their own arses also…

peter
peter
3 months ago
Reply to  Man and tools

then you just get a plain old cunt like you

Man and tools
Man and tools
3 months ago
Reply to  peter

Not really, spent many late nights prepping bikes in the paddock long after the racers have gone to bed… and less of the old please…lol

Iain Gudgeon
Iain Gudgeon
3 months ago

Nice top 5 and sure I’ve encountered them all at a bike night or 7!

Just outside the Top 5 has to be the Born Again Biker. Recounts tales of when he had his Norton but then, you know, kids happened. Claims he could still out ride any of the modern bikes from Japan if he still had his original bike. Probably has a BMW GS with every available optional Extra but the most adventurous ride was over the grass to get out the car park last week as he can’t push the bike backwards as it’s too heavy for him!