We’re already living in a Big Brother state. We’ve got the eyes of the establishment on us seemingly endlessly, and it’s been the case for some years now. Up until fairly recently though, unless you were being really naughty, or you were on MI5’s list of most wanted, you didn’t have too much to worry about. When you’re not an international drugs trafficker or soviet spy, ‘the firm’ don’t tend to give you a second thought. And most of us have learnt to slow down whenever we see a ‘safety’ camera by the side of the road. Or a copper with a speed gun. Just to be ‘safe’. Oh, and to avoid getting a letter from the old bill. But times have changed thanks to every dick and their dog having a dash-cam.
We’re now living in a society where people are grassing each other up to the cops, just to show off the fact that they’ve got one. And it’s got to stop. I’m not against dash-cams or helmet-cams or whatever-you-want-to-call-them-cams. Especially when we live in a world where ‘liability’ and ‘litigation’ are the words on everyone’s lips the second something goes wrong. Having hard, video evidence is an invaluable tool when establishing exactly who is to blame. And that can only be a good thing. You’ll be entitled to a fat wad of cash in compo if a car pulls out on you, smashes your bike to smithereens and breaks your legs. As long as you weren’t at fault and it can be proven. Dash cam footage is perfect for that.
Unfortunately though, and increasingly, this isn’t what people are using their dash cams for. We’ve all seen busybody knobheads standing outside their houses with eBay special speed guns. They’ll spend all day trying to clock you at 31 in a 30 so that they can dob you in to police. The po-po might send you a letter but can’t even think about prosecuting you off the back of it; if that’s not wasting police time, I don’t know what is. But now, car drivers are sending their dash cam footage into the feds, on a special dash cam evidence upload portal thing, whenever they see anything on the road that they deem unsafe, illegal, or just a bit cuntish.
As if being watched by millions of CCTV and ANPR (Automatic Number Plate Recognition) cameras wasn’t bad enough. I feel so safe knowing my fellow road users are spying on me. Desperate to dobb me in to the old bill.
Now, that wouldn’t be such a problem if the dash cam footage was treat with the same irreverence as the village people’s speed camera shite. But it’s not. Sources close to 44Teeth (i.e. the internet) say that almost a third of these uploads have resulted in prosecution over the last few years. And with an average of about 1,000 videos being uploaded every month (in recent months), that’s a lot of summonses landing on a lot of doormats.
That said, there are a lot of instances of these videos leading to no prosecution at all. That leads me to believe that most of the time the people uploading them haven’t got a fucking clue. They’ve probably got out the wrong side of bed that morning. Either that or they’ve seen their stupid, miserable face in the mirror and it’s put them in a bad mood for the rest of the day. That’s why when they’ve seen someone do something they don’t like on the road, they’ve got all cunty about it.
I can just hear them screaming “I’ve got a dash cam, you know!” through the windscreen like a fucking idiot. In reality, that bike probably only overtook you because you were driving too slowly. And yes that car driver might have needed to do a bit of a last minute lane change, but he didn’t hit you, did he? He was probably fucking miles away. Just because he’s got better spatial awareness than you, doesn’t make him a bad driver; you could probably learn a bit from him.
Oh, and another thing, Mr Dash Cam Knobhead, as much as it might upset you, there’s nothing illegal about filtering. It’s only dangerous when pricks like YOU decide to drift into the gap to try and stop us doing it. Your jealousy is understandable; it might take you ten times as long to get to work, but it’s not my fault you’re sat in your car in gridlocked traffic, is it? No. So don’t cut me up. Don’t shout at me through the window. And don’t point at your stupid dash cam at me. Because I, nor anyone else on a motorbike, could give a flying fuck.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could all just get on with our lives without worrying about who is going to dob us in for going a couple of miles an hour over the speed limit, or the odd wheelie from time to time? Let’s not use our dash cams to spy on each other. Let’s not rush to inform the authorities of any minor motoring misdemeanour. Does it really make you sleep any better at night? I don’t think so. Leave your dash cam rolling by all means; if you’re ever involved in an accident you might be glad of it. But for fuck’s sake don’t be a vigilante. That’s seriously, seriously uncool.