Oi, keyboard warrior; get in the sea

Just this morning I was sat on the porcelain throne, smartphone in hand waiting for the splashes and mindlessly scrolling through the endless reel of guff on Facebook when I came across a post that stood out as being even more idiotic than the rest. My keyboard warrior detector went off the scale. It was a photograph of Alex Marquez (two-time World Champion and Honda MotoGP rider, oh and brother of Marc Marquez). And it had the head and face of James May (of Top Gear/The Grand Tour fame), superimposed onto it. The picture itself didn’t bother me, in fact ordinarily I would have wafted straight passed it. But it was the caption above it that I found rather irksome. It read ‘Probably still quicker than Alex Marquez’.

Now, you may or may not be aware that James May (of Top Gear/The Grand Tour fame) is often mockingly referred to as ‘Captain Slow’ by his co-presenters. As far as I know, it’s probably very apt. He might be rubbish on a bike too, I have no idea, but that’s not really the point.

The point of his post was quite obviously to poke fun at ‘how slow’ Alex Marquez is. Let’s just think about that for a moment, shall we? Is Alex Marquez slow? Well in 2014 he won the Moto3 World Championship. Then in 2019 he won the Moto2 World Championship. So, the short answer is no, he is not slow. In fact, he isn’t just good on a bike, he’s one of the best in the world; in 2015 and 2019, he was the best in the world, on a Moto3 bike and a Moto2 bike, respectively. And if anyone says anything to the contrary, they’re an idiot. A massive idiot.

I can see only three possible reasons why this post exists. Possible reason number one; they think the lad is taking too long to find his feet on a new bike. With a new team. In a new class. Ok, maybe he hasn’t gelled with MotoGP as quickly as some of the other rookies, but that’s fair enough if you ask me; it’s the toughest, fastest, most competitive class in the world. It’s also worth bearing in mind that it took him four years to win the Moto2 World Championship… but he still won it. He’s 25 years old, what’s the rush?

Possible reason number two; Alex isn’t as fast as his big brother Marc. Correct, he isn’t as fast as his big brother Marc, but nobody in the world is, especially you, ya div. That’s why he’s won six out of the last seven MotoGP World Championships..

Possible reason number three, and this is the one I’ve got my money on; you’re just a massive tit, you don’t know what your talking about, and you’re probably high on your mum’s prescription pain killers.

Facebook seems to be top-heavy with this kind of keyboard warrior depravity, and I wish it would stop. But I doubt it will. Don’t get me wrong, I think social media’s great; how else would you keep up to date with all your dopey mates’ well-reasoned political opinions. Or get your daily dose of fat people falling over on camera? It’s not the platform, it’s the people that ruin it. There is always some prick that’s got something horrible to say about someone else. If you haven’t got anything nice to say, or anything interesting, entertaining or helpful to say, you shouldn’t be allowed a Facebook account.

In fact you shouldn’t be allowed online at all. And I’m not just talking about the one responsible for the aforementioned Alex Marquez post. I’m talking about all the miserable people that have never done anything with their miserable lives, but feel as though they can slag those off that are having a go at making the most of their time on this planet; be it MotoGP riders, popstars or amateur gynaecologists.

Next time you see a Facebook, a Twitter or an Instagram post calling a professional sportsperson crap, stop to think about the keyboard warrior that’s typed it. Do you think they’re any better? Or do you think they’re just a complete A-hole who got bullied at school (deservedly) and aren’t happy unless they are whinging and whining about someone else. Someone that’s probably ten times the person they’ll ever be. A tenner says it’s the latter.

Boothy