Oh, you don’t like wheelies?

Believe it or not, there are some people out there that think wheelies aren’t cool. They see them as pointless, dangerous and nothing but a futile attempt to show off. I’d bet my house though, that none of the weapons that hold this viewpoint have ever successfully performed a wheelie, and that they’re only saying it because they can’t pull a minger.

If you’re the kind of person that shakes their head in dismay when they witness a stand-up twelve-o-clocker, that’s fine – you’re entitled to your own opinion. If that is you, though, I feel sorry for you. Whilst you’re sat at your kitchen table, in your corduroys and cardigan, playing solitaire with yourself (because nobody can bare to spend any time with a boring Jeremy Hunt like you), the rest of us are out enjoying ourselves, living life to the full, or at least trying to anyway.

Pulling a wheelie isn’t just about showing off. Yes, I’ll admit that for some, showing off is a big part of it, but for most of us, a wheelie is just as much fun when there’s no one there to see it. Wherever I might be, wherever I might be going, on whatever kind of bike I might be on, if it’s capable of hoisting a fatty, I’ll be trying my best to do exactly that. In fact, I’ll usually try to, even if the bike’s not really capable of it. Don’t get me wrong, lofting one in front of an audience is a great way to massage your ego (if you are any good at it, that is), but it’s not just that.

So what is it all about? Well, I think we can all agree that there is a very particular thrill to riding a motorcycle that’s unparalleled by anything else on the planet (well anything legal, anyway). That thrill is heightened by a factor of about 50 when the front wheel is hoisted off the ground. If hoisting a mono doesn’t make you smile, there’s got to be something wrong with you – in fact I’d seriously suggest seeing a doctor at your earliest possible convenience.

There are probably more than a few members of the constabulary who would deem riding with your front wheel two or three foot off the ground as ‘riding without due care and attention’ or ‘careless riding’ or some such offence, but I take exception to that. I think if you’re pulling gnarly mono, you’re probably concentrating way more on what you’re doing than, say, a car driver might be, when they’re sat listening to Radio Four with their cruise control set to 60mph. I can’t see my argument holding much water in court, alas, it’s my view on the situation and I’m sticking to it.

Far from being dangerous or reckless, a well-executed wheelie is a thing of beauty. You might even say a work of art. And if you can’t appreciate that, then you need to get a life. Or get laid. Or get something. What could possibly be worse than seeing someone harmlessly enjoying themselves, and then grumbling about it like a sad bastard? Rushing home to download the dashcam footage so you can send it off to the old bill.

No, wheelies are fantastic displays of exemplary motorcycle control and skill, and they should be applauded, appreciated, and most of all enjoyed by anyone lucky enough to bear witness to such spectacular stunt. If you ask me, anyone brave enough to stick it to the establishment and lift the front wheel for the entertainment of others, really ought to be given the recognition they deserve – nothing lifts normal peoples spirits like a wheelie – it’s tantamount to a public service.

So next time you hear someone make a snide comment about someone else doing a wheelie, tell them to jog on. Tell them we’re going to keep doing wheelies, because wheelies are as cool as fuck, and if they don’t get with the program, they’ll be miserable for the rest of their boring lives. Life’s for living, so live a little. If you really don’t want to then whatever, it’s your loss, but keep your nose out of everybody else’s business. We don’t care what you think. Wheelies rule. You don’t.

Boothy