Motorcyclists have larger penises, study shows

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The truth is finally out. A recent study says, on average, motorcyclists do indeed have larger penises than non-motorcyclists. The findings come after years of division, with non-motorcyclists claiming to have penises equal to (if not bigger than) their motorcycling peers.

The multimillion pound survey, which included a whopping sample of 100 people, began at the turn of the century, and has taken over 20 years to complete. But thanks to a hard working army of scientists and statisticians, the question we’ve all been asking for so long can finally be answered.

The participants in the study included men and women from all walks of life. The aim was to give a true, cross-sectional representation of the population. Each one of the 100 people were all asked two simple questions. Do you ride a motorcycle? And how big is your willy?


Out of the 100 people asked, 20 of them said yes they are motorcyclists. That might not sound a lot, but it’s almost one fifth. Out of the 20 self-proclaimed motorcyclists, 16 claimed to have a penis between 4 and 7 inches and two claimed to have one bigger than 9 inches. Ouch. A further two said they didn’t have a penis at all; because they were in fact women. After hours of number crunching and computer simulations, the mathematicians deduced that the average penis size for people that claim to be motorcyclists is 5.426 inches. Nice.

It’s a very different story for the 80 people who called themselves non-motorcyclists. 34 non-motorcyclists claimed to have between 4 and 7 inches, 9 claimed more than 9 inches, and a shocking 37 admitted being women, and therefore having no penis, whatsoever. With such a high proportion of non-motorcyclists being penis-less it was inevitable that the overall average for non-riders would suffer. But it was unclear just how much until yesterday. According to the study, the average penis size of non-motorcyclists is just 3.254 inches. That’s a difference of over two inches. Already some non-motorcyclists are finding the facts hard to swallow; unlike their knobs.

The findings have left the scientific community gob-smacked, with some commentators suggesting more research is needed.


The organisation which carried out the investigation (which is a bit like the Office for National Statistics, but not the Office for National Statistics) has received some criticism about the method used to collect the data. It has been suggested that simply asking a person how big their willy is, isn’t the most scientific approach, and that some people, for some unknown reason, might not always be truthful about it. Although this seems unlikely. Some also suggest that that including both men and women in a survey about penis size is nothing short of ridiculous. And that the only reason that the average is larger for motorcyclists, is because most motorcycle riders are men.

According to a source close to Downing Street, funding has been sought for a similar study. This time to determine whether or not motorcyclists have larger testicles than non-bikers; as well as penises. More on that, as and when.


Disclaimer – Some, none or all of the information in this report may, or may not, be true or false.

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