London | A two-wheel only zone

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If you’ve ever driven a car in central London, you’ll know how much of a ball-ach it can be. In fact riding a bike in the capitol is a pain in the bottom, never mind a car, just because of the sheer volume of traffic. I learnt this just the other week, when we found ourselves in central London, filming BBB 5 (which is in the editing suite as we speak). And it got me thinking; what would happen if they made London a two-wheel only zone? Would people take to the streets with placards and megaphones, tipping up busses and taking dumps on police cars? Or would they accept that it’s for the greater good, and go out and buy a motorcycle?

Well you might get a few out on the streets, rioting or protesting, or whatever they want to call it (it’s any excuse with some people, isn’t it?). But I think the vast majority of people tend to embrace change, if it’s going to be for the benefit of society. Particularly if it’s a change that’s going to de-clog London’s streets. I mean, I didn’t hear anyone complaining in 2003 when they introduced the congestion charge (maybe I wasn’t listening hard enough). I also don’t remember anyone complaining about the ULEZ thing (Ultra Low Emissions Zone)… but that’s probably because I didn’t even know it existed until a few weeks ago.

Anyway, it seems to me that all they are trying to do is discourage people from coming to London, and pull down the pants of anyone that decides they want to. Let’s not discourage people from visiting our beautiful capitol*, let’s encourage them. And whilst we’re at it, let’s encourage them to come in on a motorbike. That way we’d be supporting an industry that needs all the help it can get during these difficult times.

Imagine a Utopian London, where there were no cars, only motorcycles. A London where you needed a helmet with you if you wanted a ride from Westminster to Wapping. No gridlock. No road rage. Being late for work would be a thing of the past. After the introduction of the congestion charge, and the ULEZ, making London a two-wheel only zone is surely the next step. And what a fantastic step it would be.

Unfortunately I realise there is one rather large flaw in my plan. Or two. The first being, if you live in London, you probably don’t have anywhere to keep a motorcycle. The second being, you’re likely to get attacked by a hammer-wielding yob and have your bike jacked, if you spend too long riding anything of any value in London. But let’s imagine for a second that wasn’t the case. Imagine it was safe to leave you’re bike locked up, undercover outside your city centre flat. And let’s imagine we were all allowed to carry Uzi 9mms to protect ourselves from vicious attackers. Then we really could make London a two-wheel only zone. So come on, Sadiq Kahn, that’s enough about Universal Credit, it’s time you got onto the important things. It’s time to make London great again…

*some bits are alright, honest.


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