Lies people tell you about their motorbikes

There are a lot of daft motorcyclists out there. So daft, in fact, that a lot of them believe their own nonsense they spout about their bikes. And worse than that, they expect the rest of us to believe it too! Little do they know, most people have got enough brain cells to disbelieve and disregard the lies people tell you about their motorbikes. Here are five whoppers that if you haven’t heard yet, you’re likely to hear soon.

I do all the work on it myself

Ok, there are a few folk with the tools and the knowledge to do ‘all’ the work on their bike themselves, but most of us don’t. Most of us will have ago at servicing our bikes, and unbolting and bolting stuff on, but if you’re a spotty chav in a baseball cap, don’t try telling me you’ve just been lapping valves in. You haven’t have you? In fact you don’t really know what that means, do you? You’ve just heard your dad talking about it with his engineer-y mates.

You’re not going to impress anyone by trying to fool them into thinking you’re a master technician. Because if they’ve got any sense, they’ll see right through you. So stop talking out of your bottom and go back to stealing valve caps off parked cars, you dweeb.

It will do 200mph

This is another one of the blatant lies people tell you about their motorbikes. And it’s very unlikely for a number of reasons. Firstly, the majority of bikes that would be capable of doing 200mph are restricted to 186mph (300km/h). Secondly, unless we’re talking about a fairly modern, 1000cc (minimum) sportsbike, you’re not doing the ‘double ton’ on it. And you’re not getting anywhere near it on anything less. Even if you think you are, you’re probably not. Because if by some miracle, your Fireblade shows 200mph on the speedo you’re likely doing closer to 180mph. Because most speedos read way too high. Usually to the tune of about 10%.

The reality is that some people genuinely believe they have a bike capable of 200mph. But they don’t, for the most part anyway. The people that do have a bike capable of it, have probably done some serious work to their motors, electronics and/or gearing. Not Dave down the boozer with his K5 Gixxer Thou.

I only ever ride fast

The kind of people that say things like this aren’t just liars, they’re idiots, too. Nobody cares how fast you think you are, apart from you, so shut up. All you do by running your mouth about how fast you are, is make people dislike you. If you are really fast on a bike, fine; go racing and let your results do the talking. You’ll soon see how fast you really are. Or aren’t.

No, nobody likes a show-off, so give it a rest, will ya? And let’s face it, if all you do is ride on the road, you can’t possibly ride fast all the time. That’s if you can really ride fast in the first place… if you have to tell people how fast you are, it’s probably up for debate.

I’ll make money on it

This is usually the one we tell to our wives or life partners, and if I’m being honest , I feel like a bit of a Judas for giving the game away. But this is another one of the lies people tell you about their motorbikes. And let’s face it, most of us will never make money on a bike as long as we live. But it’s a nice way to justify spending a bit more money on a bike than we usually would. And it’s an even better way of justifying it to her indoors.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that has been convinced I could sell a bike for more than I bought it for, however long ago. But the problem is, I’m not very good at selling them. I want to keep them all. And you don’t make money on a bike unless you sell it. Anyway, nine times out of ten, we don’t get what we think they are worth anyway, do we?

I’m not going to slate anyone for spinning this lie, because I’m going to continue to do it. But I know deep down that it’s a load of codswallop.

It’s much better since I bolted this cheap aftermarket crap to it

Parts made in the far-east that are cheaper than locally made stuff, despite having to be shipped halfway round the world are cheaper for a reason. Because they’re generally not as good. That exhaust pipe that looks a bit like an Akrapovič but it was a fraction of the price and took 5 weeks to arrive might make your bike sound a bit noisier, but it’s probably not going to help it make any more power. In fact the opposite is probably true.

And all those passers-by that are looking at your bike now you’ve put the plastic MotoGP style winglets on it aren’t admiring it, so stop telling people they are. They’re laughing at your bike and they’re laughing at you.

What are your favourite lies people tell you about their motorbikes?

Boothy