If MotoGP legends had normal jobs

For every motorcycle racer that lines up on the grid of a MotoGP race, there’s a thousand more whose racing career didn’t reach the dizzying heights of international competition. And of those that do, only a small handful go on to achieve legendary status. That’s because the line between making it and not, is a very thin one. One badly timed error in the life of a young racer could change the course of their life completely. It could be the difference between signing a factory contract with HRC or signing a zero hours contract with Sports Direct. So what would life look like for our MotoGP legends if they hadn’t made it in the racing world and were forced to find normal jobs? Would they survive in the ‘real world’? We’ve spent half an hour with the little-known clairvoyant Psychic Sally to bring you the facts…

Casey Stoner – Teacher.

Casey Stoner, or ‘Sir’ to his pupils, would have put his grasp of the English language to good use. He’d have become an English teacher. Despite being Australian. And although his teaching career would have only started in earnest in the mid-noughties, he would bleat on about how much better teaching was in the old days, to anyone that would listen. “There’s too much politics and bullshit now,” he probably would say. “The kids need to be taught right from wrong. If that means hurling a board rubber at them every now and then, then so be it. But if you did that now, you’d be saying ‘g’day mate’ to a judge.”

Although having a strong track record as a teacher, he’d often cry himself to sleep at night about the fact that some people weren’t impressed by his classroom prowess. “Sure, his pupil’s exam results are always top-draw,” they’d say “but he only ever teaches the brightest kids”. After missing a few terms with chronic fatigue due to anaemia in 2009, he’d probably start to re-evaluate his life.

Three years later, in 2012, he’d call his colleagues into the staffroom and announce that he’s going to retire, to spend more time with his family.

Marc Marquez – Policeman

When an admiral from the Spanish Navy came to sell the dream to the kids at Marc Marquez’s school, the young Spaniard was hooked. But there was only one problem; Marc Marquez is absolutely petrified of the sea! So, according to Psychic Sally, Marquez would have joined the police force. And a second after joining up, he’d put his heart and soul into it.

Soon, other members of the ‘Policía’, convinced PC Marquez is the best they’ve ever seen, start to imitate him. Eventually the entire Policía, and even some members of the Guardia Civil, are copying his policing style.

Unfortunately though, it is likely that at some point he’d get shot in the arm by a criminal. It’d likely force him to take an extended period of sick leave. Sally can’t tell whether or not the injury would be a career ending one, but she does say he’d never be the same again.  

Jorge Lorenzo – Taxi driver

Desperate to earn a few quid to pay for the latest games console, in our parallel universe Jorge Lorenzo would have become a taxi driver, straight out of college. But despite being a talented driver, the other cabbies at the rank wouldn’t have a lot of time for him. It wouldn’t take any of them long to grow tired of his superiority complex. And all that would do, says Sally, is add to the chip on his shoulder.

And his arrogant attitude and cantankerous nature wouldn’t go down well with the punters either. Time and time again, Jorge would get called into see ‘control’ for a dressing down by the lady on the switchboard. Usually for shouting and swearing in fits of road-rage, all whilst driving holiday makers around the island of Mallorca.

But because he probably wouldn’t have much of a life, he’d have saved all his money up. It’s likely that he’d be able to retire in his early 30s. Still friendless, he’d spend his days innocently playing video games. By night though, he’d head to the taxi rank and sling dogshit at the other cabbies from across the road.

Valentino Rossi – Entrepreneur

If Valentino Rossi wasn’t a motorcycle racer he would almost certainly be a successful entrepreneur. Well, that’s if you believe Psychic Sally’s crystal ball. Just about everything the Italian touches would turn to gold, figuratively speaking. Thanks to well thought-out business models and hard work, he’d be a millionaire by 20. And shrewd investments throughout his 20s would see ‘Vale’ steadily climbing towards the top of the Forbs rich list.

Throughout his 30s and 40s, despite having more money than he’ll ever be able to spend, he’d most likely completely refuse to give up the reins of his business empire. His friends, his family and his colleagues would wonder if the workaholic will ever retire.

Now one of the most famous and well-loved businessmen in history, he’d launch Italy’s very own version of The Apprentice. He’d use the show as a platform to find the very best up-and-coming businessmen and woman and nurture their talents in a kind of ‘academy’ setting. Probably.

Eventually, many of the businesspeople that passed through Valentino’s academy will be able to outperform him in the cut-throat world of commerce. But that wouldn’t bother him in the slightest; he’d have had so much success and so much money in the bank that he’d be genuinely happy to see his protégés succeed.

Boothy